you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
