Cold hands, warm shart.
I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
