I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize