Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
