My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
