You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
