In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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