Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I currently don't understand fingers.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
