Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
