After last night, I could never be a politician.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
