If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have tasted many bathrooms
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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