Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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