I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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