Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
