We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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