Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
