A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
can u get pink eye on your cock?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
