1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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