Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
