I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
