You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
