I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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