Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
