john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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