Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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