my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
