Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
