I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
