so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
