I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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