no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize