so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
