What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
