I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize