some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
