I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
