so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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