just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
