im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
literally had 100 drinks last night.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
even my farts smell like vagina
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize