There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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