it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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