just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
