So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
