our cab driver is having phone sex.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
