i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
