Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
