Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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