i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
