Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
