Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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