if only i could text you this smell
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
where are you?
Hypothermia
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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