i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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