i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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