I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
