my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize