He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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