god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
