I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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