I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
