On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
