Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
