You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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