And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
is wine microwaveable?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
