I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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