guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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