I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
